This is about as close as you’re ever gonna see me get to wedding photography, which is to say, not close at all. These two people are actors on a set. They are in fact married, but not to each other. They did have great chemistry though; I will give them that, and it made them a pleasure to photograph. But really, it’s the fact that they are in tall grass, and lit impeccably at golden hour, that reminded me of something else, which I’ll get to shortly.

In my estimation, wedding photography is a lot like a tattoo, and it’s probably the reason why I don’t mess with either one: I can’t think of anything that is simultaneously both artistically original AND that I’d be happy to look at for the rest of my life.

Not too many people are eager to go out and get an identical replication of the exact same tattoo they’ve seen on someone else, that would defeat the purpose; and yet, if you get too kooky, creative, or spontaneous, do you really want to look at that kooky little creation, right there on your body, for the rest of your natural life? It’s the same with wedding photographs. In a way, they are even more permanent than a tattoo, because you only get one chance to get them right! This is why for wedding and engagement photos, I’d always recommend going with something classic, conceptually, as opposed to something more… um, “creative.”

What could you possibly be so into at this exact moment in time, that you’d want to stylize all your wedding photography around it? Then, for years to come, look at it hanging in your hallway, each day, every day, for all eternity? I of course group Pregnancy Photography in this same category, in fact, in might be the worst culprit of them all.

I know you think you really like Game of Thrones right now, and think you will always love it, forever and ever, but let’s really think about this. Game of Thrones isn't exactly a show about happy marriages, now, is it? Also, let me go on record as saying that rarely do “cool” and “edgy” wedding or pregnancy photographs actually turn out the way the couple envisioned them in their minds. Instead of capturing something “cool” and “edgy,” they are often left with something “cringeworthy” and “embarrassing.”

Tell us again why you’re both lovingly holding a big dragon’s egg in front of her belly? Are you saying she's pregnant with a dragon? If so, what's in the egg? Or are we supposed to believe that dragons can be born in one of two ways? That doesn't make sense scientifically or mythologically, and who's the father? Or did she supposedly lay the egg and her belly just hasn't deflated yet? This is all very confusing, and very, very, dumb.

And am I the only one that suddenly can't stop thinking about how we almost never see dragon penises on screen? They never show them, but they'd have to be massive, right?

When it comes to wedding photography, there is hardly anything “original” or “funky” you could come up with that I probably wouldn’t try to talk you out of. I would always recommend going with something more classic and timeless. But then again, if you’re going with something classic and timeless, that means it’s already been done before, and suddenly I’m no longer interested in your project on an artistic level. So… oops, looks like we’ve come full circle, back to why I don’t do wedding/pregnancy photography.

I do think it’s important for every photographer to shoot at least one wedding, though, just so they can appreciate the skill and technical proficiency of what all is involved. It does take skill, and it is a lot of work. I did my one and only wedding photoshoot back when I was still an undergraduate at SMU, so it was a very long time ago, but I have done my time. Yep, I only did it once, but once was enough.

I remember thinking -- who wants to work really, really, hard to recreate something that another photographer has already done? Because please understand, that’s exactly what you will be doing. It is not at all uncommon for a bride to present the wedding photographer with a photo example of what she’d like for her engagement photo, and often times, it doesn’t mean she’d like to have something similar to that, or to use that photo as an inspirational jumping off point... No, you may come to find that she basically wants EXACTLY THAT PHOTO, recreated, except with her and her fiancée in it instead of that couple. I often wonder if wedding photographers have a discounted “no shoot” special, where they offer to just photoshop the bride and groom's faces onto any (already existing) engagement photo of their choosing?

Earlier this spring, I had the opportunity to visit one of these traditional engagement photoshoots. My partner, Seth, had been asked to swing by a particular destination near White Rock Lake, at just before sunset, to drop off a forgotten prop to his newly engaged friends. Out of professional curiosity, I jumped at the chance to go along with him. But first, we needed to know where to park our car, so I looked up the destination online:

Engagement photos. Hundreds of engagements photos. That’s what the search result bombarded me with, so I’d definitely found the right place! And as far as I could tell, without even having been there yet, there were three main things that photographers were able to achieve at this location:

1. A desaturated shot (but with deep blacks and a golden hue) of couples standing in Wild Grass, with the blurry lake in the far background.

2. A desaturated shot (but with deep blacks and a golden hue) of couples standing near/under a Majestic Tree, with the blurry lake in the far background.

3. A desaturated shot (but with deep blacks and a golden hue) of couples standing near/on A Pier, with the blurry lake in the far background.

Try Googling "Engagement Photography Winfrey Point Dallas" if you don't believe me. Myriad versions of these three settings were so prolific online, that I believed the internet had thoroughly prepared me for what I was about to see; but when we got there, what I saw blew my mind.

I expected to see just Seth’s friends and their photographer, set up in The Grass or on The Pier, but instead it was like a photography factory. There were so many couples there, each with their own photographer, that the unlikely efficiency with which they all operated in tandem was almost surreal. I certainly found it impressive.

It was like there were these special, pre-established spots (stationed strategically around this free, picturesque, location at the lake), and it was clear these spots had been carefully selected. The golden hour/sunset light was obviously a factor, and all these photographers already knew the light at this time of day was going to be of a desirable, proven quality. But also, admirably, each spot had been so expertly chosen that they were all guaranteed not to be visible in the other couples’ shots! Wow. I was already beyond impressed, but then I about lost it when— as if responding to some silent bell that only they could hear— all the photographers and their couples rotated around to the next spot, like musical chairs! It was a veritable assembly line of engagement photography.

So, let’s say you and your honey had just finished doing the "Kissing in Tall Grass" shot, and other nearby couples had just finished doing "Propose Under Majestic Tree" and "Longing Looks on Pier;" well, then you’d rotate over to The Tree, the tree people would rotate over to The Pier, and the pier people would walk over to The Grass. The beautiful sunset light only lasts so long, which meant all of this had to happen relatively quickly for everyone to get to each of the three photo locations. But amazingly, no one ever hogged one spot too long, and the whole thing progressed around in a circle like a well-oiled machine. A bizarre, sunset, engagement photography, machine.

The efficiency impressed me to no end, that much is true. And undoubtedly, Seth’s friends got lovely, very professional results, as I’m sure everyone else who was there that day did, too. But as a photographer, I was wondering what would motivate me to pursue that type of mechanical photography? All I could come up with was money. A lot of money.

Because what artist would be fulfilled replicating the same shoot over and over again, each day, at sunset? The only type of person I could think of who might truly enjoy doing this, would maybe be someone who’s just really into All Things Wedding? And taking the photographs is just their way of getting to permanently stay in Wedding World? That sort of makes sense, right, on a psychological level?

I realized I was at this photography shoot, this assembly line, silently feeling sorry for -- maybe even judging -- all these other photographers. But then it dawned on me, if wedding stuff really is their passion, then it might not be so different from what I sometimes do. For me, sometimes the photography itself is almost secondary to my true desire to go on the exotic adventure necessary to get said photograph. So, maybe it’s similar for them, and it’s the fact that they get to constantly be a part of, and contribute to, one of the most monumental events in a person’s life. Maybe that's the thing that provides them with fulfillment in what they do. It also occurred to me that there’s certainly worse things to constantly be around than two people who are madly in love with each other. What an uplifting work environment, right?! On some of my shoots, I'm often concerned with BEING MAULED TO DEATH or FALLING FROM A CLIFF.

Or maybe I’m totally off, and the primary love happening here is the photographer's love for the big fat paycheck they get. Maybe I’m the one who needs to be pitied, for not realizing that the most magical union of all, is when you get to combine the word “wedding” with “photographer,” and charge those sweet, sweet, wedding prices. Because indeed, there was one part of the photography assembly line I forgot to mention. I didn’t witness it personally, but I’m sure it’s the last and final stop on the rotation— the bank.

And earlier, maybe that's what we were looking at all along, it was just the wedding photographer's nest egg. Mystery solved.

Now let's wrap this up so we can all go Google "Dragon Penises."

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